By Stephanie A. Breznau | October 2020
Would two lines appear?
I sat and waited.
Years scrolled by. Trash cans filled with negatives.
People tell me it’s easy to get pregnant.
“Relax,” they say.
But nothing seems to come from me relaxing.
Ironically, the first time was easy – a surprise honeymoon baby we weren’t planning on, but a boy, who has brought us such joy. Hudson, how we love you.
That was a time of naivety when life was uncomplicated.
Then came the first loss… and another.
Early yet shocking.
Not yet knowing how to grieve, I stuffed my feelings inside and tried to hide my tears.
Finally, another positive test and our daughter was on the way.
But I wasn’t naive anymore. I was scared.No more dreamland for me.
She was beautiful. An amazing gift.
The answer to prayers. Everlynn, oh how we love you.
Yet pregnancy was now a time of anxiety.
Then three more losses.
Five smashed dreams.
And then came the years when I didn’t get pregnant anymore.
So many negative tests.
Not pregnant.
Medicine entered the picture.
It didn’t work the first time, but we decided to try it just once more.
Thank you, Jesus, for Carson. Oh how we love you, son.
Since he was born, two more babies are with Jesus.
More disappearing lines and an empty womb.
People say, “be grateful for the ones you have.”
My children on earth do not somehow cancel out my babies in heaven.
It doesn’t lessen my gratitude to grieve over what will never be.
Yes, we want more children.
But maybe he is my last baby.
I have to learn to accept that and pray God takes the desire for more babies away.
My heart hurts for the loss of my babies.
My heart hurts because my children hurt.
My heart hurts because my husband hurts.
My heart hurts.
I think about the positives, the negatives, the hardship, the trauma, and I’d do it all over again for my three babies. But I wouldn’t wish loss on my worst enemy.
Loss isn’t fluid or easily explained.
Death isn’t something you get over, but something you get through.
With Jesus, I’m journeying through.
One day I’ll see my sweet little ones again.
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
(Revelation 21:4)
But until that day, I’m weeping and walking with the One who weeps with me.
“A Jesus who never wept could never wipe away my tears.” – Charles Spurgeon
Kayin
Gracen
Kellen
Haven
Maryn
Lyric
Willow
“A mother is never defined by the number of children you can see, but by the love that she holds in her heart.” ~ Franchesca Cox
Walking in the Love,
Stephanie
